Let’s change how we talk about this form of gender-based harassment.
A lot of movies we loved when we were younger might make us cringe now—the bad hair, the dated tech, the kitschy soundtrack. And then there are the ones that really shake us up. Those are the ones that unintentionally trained generations to see it as adorable when the male lead followed the female lead around, repeatedly asking her for a date or showered her with affection whether she seemed to appreciate it or not.
Think of the scene in Love, Actually, where the guy silently holds up signs declaring his love to his friend’s wife. Or the one in Say Anything, where the would-be love interest blasts the Peter Gabriel song “In Your Eyes” from a boom box outside the house of the woman he’s interested in. Or the way Edward trails Bella around in Twilight, even sneaking into her room to watch herwhile she’s sleeping.
Now think about how you’d feel if someone showed up at your home unannounced, insisting you pay attention while he one-sidedly declares his feelings—let alone how you’d react if you woke up to him in your bedroom. That makes it sound a little less romantic, doesn’t it? In reality, few women would ask to be followed around, asked out on a date repeatedly by someone who refuses to accept no for an answer (hello, The Notebook), or open their curtains to discover some guy’s intimidatingly huge declaration of his infatuation.
In fact, while grand gestures are rarer in real life, unwanted attention and purposeful pursuit are not. We have a name for them: stalking. It’s a form of criminal harassment, one where women, girls, two-spirit and trans folks are far more likely to be the victims, making it another face of gender-based violence. According to Statistics Canada, while about eight out of 10 victims are women, nine out of 10 stalkers are men.
Men stalk women—colleagues and acquaintances in addition to far too many spouses and exes—in an attempt to control them. Some of these men may have mental illnesses, but many are choosing behaviour to frighten and intimidate the women in their lives. (A much smaller number of people stalk a public figure with whom they are obsessed, but they are also more likely to be men stalking women.)
And yes, this un-charming behaviour can turn violent. It’s most likely to do so in cases where the stalker is pursuing a current or former partner, especially one he has already beaten.
If someone is following you or your family or friends, showing up unannounced at your home or workplace, won’t accept your lack of interest, messages or calls you repeatedly even if you’ve asked him to stop or sends unwanted gifts, it’s not your fault. Please call the police right away, especially if the stalker starts to threaten you, someone you love or a pet.
If you see someone else being targeted by this behaviour, urge her to call 9-1-1 or do it yourself.
Our emergency crisis line is also available 24/7/365 if you want to talk to someone. Our culture can make a stalker’s behaviour seem reasonable or even romantic, but it isn’t. We can help. You’re not alone.
Check out this link to the Canadian Women’s Foundation that includes information and a video about the “Signal for Help” hand gesture:
By Nancy Payne