Recent revelations have sparked greater awareness of the sexual abuse of children. Survivors of this abuse need unwavering love and practical support.
In a stunning article published in the Toronto Star in July, Andrea Robin Skinner revealed that her stepfather sexually abused her when she was just nine years old. It was a shocking story regardless of the people involved, but the fact that Skinner’s mother was Canadian writer Alice Munro made it doubly so.
Instead of receiving support and nurture from her parents, Skinner discovered that her abuse was minimized and set aside. Her mother ultimately stayed with the man, and Skinner’s father, despite being aware of what had happened, continued to send her back to spend summers with her abuser.
Further revelations since the original article have made it clear Skinner’s stepfather groomed other potential victims and was open about his sexual attraction to young girls. He was even convicted of indecent assault in 2005, but his conviction was kept as quiet as word of his crimes had been; Munro’s biographer knew but omitted the abuse from his book.
Sexual abuse of children is common
For staff at Women’s Resources who work with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the response of the adults in Skinner’s life were all too familiar. “To hear that a survivor so bravely came forward to disclose the most vulnerable time of her life to her mother—you’d hope that your mother would give you a loving compassionate response, so it’s very disheartening to hear,” says Alisha Fisher, our Community Services Manager. “It’s a lot for people to wrap their head around the idea that it’s happening in their own home. That’s understandable but it doesn’t make it right.”
According to Statistics Canada, roughly 1 in 10 children in Canada experiences sexual abuse, she adds, the vast majority at the hands of someone they know: a family member, coach, spiritual leader, teacher or family friend, for instance. Unfortunately, when a child works up the courage to tell a parent about such abuse, all too often the response is to shut the child down because it’s so hard to accept what they’re saying.
You can help
But if you’re that adult, “You need to believe that child,” says Meaghen Parker, a Child and Youth Counsellor here at Women’s Resources. Research shows that a child who’s been sexually abused might confuse details, deny what they’ve just said, understate the incident or intentionally “forget” information, but it’s extremely unlikely that they are lying about the central disclosure.
Even if you’re reeling with what a child has just told you, it’s critical to stay calm, to assure the child they’re safe and refrain from comment or judgement. “These are conversations that can elicit a variety of emotional responses. The parent or caregiver needs to take a step back from the anger and listen,” Alisha says. “What we see with a lot of children is that they will test the adults around them to find out what kind of person you are.” Whether they realize it or not, those children are trying to determine whether they can trust the adult they’re talking to.
During those conversations, it’s important to ask open-ended questions rather than yes-or-no ones, Meaghen says, and to keep your language neutral. “You don’t want to put words in their mouth. You don’t know what they’re feeling until they express that to you.” Gentle persistence and sensitivity are critical, given that the perpetrator may have threatened to harm the child if they tell anyone what’s happened, or have insisted that the abuse has to stay a secret between the two of them.
If you’re around young children in your work or as a parent or other relative, watch for signs that might indicate having been abused. Regressive behaviour is one, Meaghen notes. She says adults might notice a child starting to act angry or immature, which might in turn indicate their distress at trying to process what they’re feeling. Other things to watch for include a child starting to talk about sex out of nowhere or miming sexual acts with toys.
“Trauma doesn’t look the same for everyone,” Alisha adds, observing that reactions can include everything from a child seeming dull and uninterested in things they used to enjoy through to hypervigilance. “If we see changes in behaviour, it’s really important to address them.”
Listen and reassure
One good strategy is to start conversations early and calmly so they become the norm. For instance, you can explain to children that the people they meet online while playing a game might not be who they say they are. You can emphasize that they have control of their own bodies, meaning they don’t have to hug anyone they don’t want to, and remind them of the safe adults and safe places in their own lives. The goal is not for them to see all adults as threats, but to know that what they feel matters, and that there are people they can trust.
Women’s Resources runs groups twice a year for children who have experienced or witnessed abuse of any kind. Individual counselling is also available for children and youth of any gender aged 10 to 18. For more information or to make an appointment, please call 705-878-4285.
The sexual abuse of children by an adult they know is among the most appalling acts we can contemplate. We can help to prevent that abuse and to support survivors, allowing them to grow up amidst the compassion and protection they deserve.
By Nancy Payne
