“You must be exaggerating. He’s such a nice guy!”
“You’re overreacting, as usual.”
“You’re not abused. I’ve never hit you.”
Too many of the women who come to Women’s Resources have heard these kinds of things over and over, causing them to question their perception and even their sanity. On the one hand, a woman’s intimate partner is controlling who she can see and threatening to kill her if she leaves. On the other, he’s telling her it’s her fault and others are telling her they can’t imagine him being an abuser.
When a woman’s experience is denied by others to the extent that she ends up unsure of her own judgement, it’s a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. The term originates with a 1938 stage play and subsequent movie in which the husband gradually dims the gas-fueled lights in the home while insisting nothing has changed, in an attempt to destabilize his wife.
Gaslighting is more than just contradiction; it’s manipulative behaviour that causes someone to doubt their understanding of what’s actually happening. And while it’s not unique to men, it’s a common feature in relationships where a man is abusing his intimate partner.
It’s something Kathryn Taylor, a shelter counsellor with Women’s Resources, sees all the time. Women often come in armed with documents, texts and recordings. “They say, ‘You see? I’m not making it up’” Kathryn says. Hearing “We believe you,” from an intake worker or counsellor changes everything for a woman who’s been told so often that she’s wrong.
“Sometimes there’s a big influx of emotions if they’ve never been believed. They’ll say, ‘I don’t know what to do next.’ Sometimes they’re even suspicious that we’re humouring them. Until we have a reason to believe otherwise, we believe them.”
After being barraged by gaslighting, many women internalize what they’ve heard from their partner and others. When they seek help, they may say he’s not abusing them because he’s never hit them, but as a worker guides them through a risk assessment, they start to see it differently. For instance, when asked “Has he ever grabbed the keys from you? Has he ever slapped the phone out of your hand when you tried to call for help?” the women can start to see their situation more clearly.
Women understandably may tend to minimize the abuse they’ve experienced. Rather than accept that someone who says he loves them, and with whom they continue to live, is violent, they may say the relationship is “toxic” or blame themselves (“I’m a lot” or “I’m high maintenance”) or insist that others have it much worse. “It’s a big commitment to say you’ve been abused or you’re experiencing abuse,” Kathryn says.
The process of overcoming years of gaslighting is a slow one that comes in phases. “TV and movies like to have us think it only takes one conversation to figure it all out,” but that’s not the reality, Kathryn says. “Some days you’re aware of how messed up everything is; others you have those rose-coloured glasses on.”
Maybe the abuser repents and life improves . . . for a while. But when things get hard or his anger builds up, he’s likely to revert to his abusive behaviour. The gaslighting and cruelty often get more serious.
Fortunately, our professional, kind, compassionate, capable staff are here to help women, no matter how many times she’s tried to get away or where she is in those phases. They recognize that for the women they serve, learning to trust their own judgement and experiences again is a long, hard process.
If anything in this article feels too familiar, whether it’s something you recognize in your own life or have noticed in others, we’re here to help. Please reach out to Women’s Resources — through our 24/7 crisis line at 1-800-565-5350 or use the chatline on our website https://womensresources.ca/
By Nancy Payne
